30 Apr 2010

Dear robbers, Fuck you.

Cape Town is an awesome place to live. Until you get a phone call at work, “Rick, we’ve been robbed, they took everything.” Now ‘everything’ is a little extreme considering they only took our high end electronics, laptops, Xbox360, fuck off big TV, you know the drill, but it was all the nice stuff. That is the way my three day week started – on a major bummer. This is my message to the badly-bred swine that carried our shit out the front door on Wednesday morning.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for being considerate enough to visit us while we were at work. I don’t deal with awkward situations very well, and bumping into you could’ve been more awkward than being caught ‘on the job’, by your mum. This would most likely have involved violence, being Africa and all, so I am glad we avoided that. I don’t like fighting and my witty (yet scathing) remarks would’ve done little, but more likely no, damage.

Secondly, fuck you, and not in a polite “oh ha ha” kind of way -in an abrasive, angry and downright loathing kind of way. I am not sad that you stole our shit, I am angry. I worked damn hard to save enough cash for those little dashes of luxury and leisure and you waltz into the house, in broad day light, and decide what I get to keep? Who the fuck do you think you are? I am pretty sure not even your mother loves you.

And that sucks for you, because mums are awesome. They spoil you, they make sure you never feel alone or kak and you, you second hand slab of incest and illiteracy, have none of these things, but touché douche bag, because you have my Xbox360. Or at least you did.

Thirdly, to the guy that buys it, that console is the tits, be nice to it, because I am sending 9 different kinds of bad karma its way. So sit well back, you never know what could happen. And I doubt I can be held responsible for mind-bullets. Last time I checked they were untraceable.

So that is my ranting and raving done, time to get on with shit you know. It’s a bummer and it makes me so angry, but at least there are some positives to take from this (two years ago there is NO WAY I would’ve said that) and lessons have been learnt, so kids, learn from mine.

Don’t buy stolen shit. You fuel the fire that is my inconvenience.



  1. Nice piece - very eloquently put. Makes me wonder whether you've ever been caught "on the job" though... I bet you have!

  2. Haha, thanks Henners. I haven't actually, well, not to my memory. Glad you liked it.

  3. HA! jokes on the robbers! i rubbed my bum on all your shit (i will not substitute shit for any other word, i realize that it makes what im saying more awkward, but i like that. Another thing, is there a limit to how much i can say in brackets? If i had to wright a book i would open brackets, write the book, then close brackets.)

  4. (and by wright i do mean write) SPELLING FAIL!